Happy Holidays!
We say it every year...but WOW! This year really did fly by! So much has happened. So much has changed. Life is crazy and fun and busy beyond what I ever imagined.
The fact that my last post was October 16th has been weighing on my heart. After Gabe was born, I contemplated shutting my blog down - but for some reason I thought I would be able to continue to write posts. I worried that I wouldn't have the motivation or the inspiration. That I would have nothing of value to say. It never really dawned on me that I quite simply, wouldn't have the time.
This blog has been incredibly therapeutic to me over the last two years. I still ocassionally find myself reading some of my earlier posts. It has been quite a journey. The reality is - the rediscovery of me is ongoing. Its supposed to be that way. When I originally started the blog - I used my fat as the "reason" I was writing. While I may have been overweight - the ultimate healing came, not in the weight loss, but in the discovery of what makes me happy.
Yes - I lost a TON of weight. I am really proud of that. YES. I have baby weight to lose, and it will take a while. I get discouraged by that sometimes, but the good news is that I don't weigh 300 pounds this time, so starting over isn't really starting over. That makes me feel better. The weight loss healed my body in a way I never imagined it would - by allowing me to have a baby. Trust me, I never saw that coming.
It's time to be done. My biggest victories can be summarized in a few pictures from blogs over the last 2 years. I hope you enjoy. I thank you for reading. Happy 2012 to you and your families...
Heal your heart and find your happy...
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
switching gears
My heart for this blog was always for it to be a place to talk about my weight loss journey and the emotions, struggles and victories that came with it.
The blog switched gears slightly when I found out I was pregnant with my surprise bundle o' love.
I have used the blog recently to post in an effort to relieve my heart as I wade through the seemingly endless maze that is my postpartum depression.
After Gabriel was born, I have struggled with my post-baby body, as I am sure most women do after having a baby. I tried to give myself grace while I was nursing, but going back to work required the ever popular pumping in order to continue "nursing" my baby. Giving Gabe breast milk was a priority for me because I wasn't able to do the same for Isaac (for various reasons) and Hope because she was adopted.
I am done nursing now; and as my hormones attempt to level themselves out, I have trying to get going on getting my body back. I haven't been very successful yet. It's not for lack of exercise. I have figured out a way to fit in some pretty hardcore workouts. I have to say though, it is frustrating to work that hard, and hurt for days after, only to have my jeans feel tighter. Can I get an AMEN?
Fortunately, on Friday, when I was crying in my closet over the lack of clothing options I could squeeze my awkward post-baby body into, I realized something. This isn't about whether or not I work out hard enough. It's all about what I eat.
Ok. I know. DUH.
I don't know why it takes me so long to catch on. But let me tell you - this is actually a little bigger than just what I eat. What I have learned over that last several years, is that even though I am not "officially" a diabetic, my body is healthiest when I live as though I am. I have always been on the verge. I have always been considered pre-diabetic, but with my diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes during my pregnancy, I have increased the chances that I will eventually and officially be a Diabetic.
So, here's my plan. I am prepping, and researching and shopping and strategizing my new mission. My mission...(I have already chosen to accept it) is to live my life with the purpose of preventing diabetes. This will essentially require me to live life as if I have already been diagnosed. As an added bonus, I know that my body will respond by dropping this dang baby weight.
I am still in the prepping and research stage. I am hoping to start the shopping phase later this week. I am planning to blog my findings, feeling, victories and struggles just like always. I am new to this, so if anyone has any helpful, verified information I can use - please feel free to pass it along.
I am excited and kind of scared, but this is necessary and hopefully it will help others. So...
Ready. Set. Here I Go!
The blog switched gears slightly when I found out I was pregnant with my surprise bundle o' love.
I have used the blog recently to post in an effort to relieve my heart as I wade through the seemingly endless maze that is my postpartum depression.
After Gabriel was born, I have struggled with my post-baby body, as I am sure most women do after having a baby. I tried to give myself grace while I was nursing, but going back to work required the ever popular pumping in order to continue "nursing" my baby. Giving Gabe breast milk was a priority for me because I wasn't able to do the same for Isaac (for various reasons) and Hope because she was adopted.
I am done nursing now; and as my hormones attempt to level themselves out, I have trying to get going on getting my body back. I haven't been very successful yet. It's not for lack of exercise. I have figured out a way to fit in some pretty hardcore workouts. I have to say though, it is frustrating to work that hard, and hurt for days after, only to have my jeans feel tighter. Can I get an AMEN?
Fortunately, on Friday, when I was crying in my closet over the lack of clothing options I could squeeze my awkward post-baby body into, I realized something. This isn't about whether or not I work out hard enough. It's all about what I eat.
Ok. I know. DUH.
I don't know why it takes me so long to catch on. But let me tell you - this is actually a little bigger than just what I eat. What I have learned over that last several years, is that even though I am not "officially" a diabetic, my body is healthiest when I live as though I am. I have always been on the verge. I have always been considered pre-diabetic, but with my diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes during my pregnancy, I have increased the chances that I will eventually and officially be a Diabetic.
So, here's my plan. I am prepping, and researching and shopping and strategizing my new mission. My mission...(I have already chosen to accept it) is to live my life with the purpose of preventing diabetes. This will essentially require me to live life as if I have already been diagnosed. As an added bonus, I know that my body will respond by dropping this dang baby weight.
I am still in the prepping and research stage. I am hoping to start the shopping phase later this week. I am planning to blog my findings, feeling, victories and struggles just like always. I am new to this, so if anyone has any helpful, verified information I can use - please feel free to pass it along.
I am excited and kind of scared, but this is necessary and hopefully it will help others. So...
Ready. Set. Here I Go!
Friday, October 14, 2011
I get that alot...

"I don't know how you do it..."
I get that alot.
I am not sure what peoples perception of me is. I used to care. I'm not sure I do anymore. That being said, I am fairly certain my world considers me Wonder Woman. I used be fine, running around doing everything, planning everything...I used to be able to do all of that. Plus find time for me, and my kids, my hubby and my friends.
I don't know what changed. But I can't do it anymore.
Don't be impressed by me because I am barely holding it together. Those close to me may even argue that I am not holding it together. I just appear to be. I think those "appearances" can be so damaging. Not just to the person putting on the one-man-show, but to those that are watching. The perception that any one person has IT all together is exactly what creates the endless cycle of attempting perfection.
I guarantee you. Perfection is impossible.
Here's my reality.
I am a full time mom and wife who also happens to have a full time job outside of the home. I have 3 beautiful kids who I can't get enough of. For real. We don't get enough time together.
In order to maximize my time with family I:
1. Pay to have my house cleaned.
2. Pay to have my groceries delivered.
3. Pay to have someone watch my kids.
4. Pay to park. Pay to drive.
My cost is great. I don't mean the money. Change is coming. It has to. So many things are suffering while I run around like a crazy person trying to keep it all together. I may very well collapse before any changes are made...
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Spinning out of control.

Have you ever felt like that? Like your life has a mind of it's own? Like you need hold on for dear life or it might just throw you off the ride?
That's me right now. Actually, I think Chad would agree - that's US right now.
I knew that having another child would make life complicated. I just truly had no idea how complicated the logistics of 3 kids and 2 working parents could be. Not to mention, how expensive. Why do I work? Oh right...medical insurance... the chance for a good life...paying for college, braces, sports, 401k blah blah blah. What about my sanity? Isn't that worth anything? Apparently not.
I know I am not alone in this. Every working parent out there knows how I feel.
Up at 4:30. Get myself ready. Get kids ready. Drive kids to school. Drive myself to work. Work my butt off. Drive home. Make dinner. Football. Swimming. Clean kitchen. Homework. Bedtimes. Crash. Repeat. OMG!!!!!
Seriously?? I didn't even mention laundry, grocery shopping, snuggle time or anything else that really matters.
All of that said - we find the strength to do it all again. Everyday.
It's the little things.
Like standing in the doorway watching your baby sleep.
Or seeing your daughter climb into her daddy's lap to snuggle.
Or your 9 year old hugging you and telling you "your the best mommy ever."
Yeah. Totally worth it.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
so this is life??


So here I am.
The baby is born (and 4 months old now!)
I have gone back to work - and survived it. Barely. It still breaks my heart daily and I spend every free second trying to come up with a way for me to stay home with him.
Life is settling in. For the most part. I haven't figured out where exercise fits in my day. I did great while I was still on maternity leave - but now that I work, the logistics of my day leave me exhausted.
Breastfeeding may burn hundreds of extra calories - which I am fairly certain I consume with all the sugary foods I crave (damn you Starbucks for introducing the Birthday Cake Pop!)
I worked hard during my pregnancy, and I am proud that my weight gain didn't get out of hand, but it's hard to look at what my body is now, and remember what it was before Gabe. Will it ever be that again? How will I find the time to get back to that?
Every once in a while, I consider giving up nursing so that I can get back to my extreme dieting - but my heart isn't ready for that. I guess my option for now, is to be okay with my post-baby, pleasantly plump, body. Because after all...I just had a baby...
Right?
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The Story of Gabriel (part 4 - the part I think you deserve to know)
I have always tried to be authentic and transparent. So that even though most of you don't know me, you could feel like you knew me. Because of everything this blog has meant to me, this post has to be written. Make no mistake - this SUCKS for me.
What I think you need to know is this:
In the end, I was addicted to diet pills and laxatives.
I was so close. No matter what I did, I just couldn't get those last few pounds to come off. I suppose you could say I was addicted to working out too because I worked out multiple times a day. The laxatives started as a necessity. The diet pills were desperation. I have since learned that the pills I was taking are no longer available because of their connection with multiple heart related deaths.
Here is what I believe with everything in me: My baby saved my life.
I don't want your pity, or attention. I don't need sympathy or understanding. I have dealt with my mistake and will not return there. I am PROUD of the 100 plus pounds that I lost all by myself, and I am thankful I am around to have a do-over on the pounds I cheated on. I am telling you this to prevent you from making the same mistake I did. It's an easy mistake. The decision seemed innocent. Like I said, the laxatives were a necessity at first, the diet pills were just a kick start for the final stretch of my mission.
Losing weight is a battle. It is a physical battle, which I believe is the easy part. More importantly, it is an emotional battle that can kick your a** even on the good days. Stay focused on your goal and keep your victory pure. I want that so bad for you.
So there you go. I am sorry if I have disappointed anyone. I hope you can appreciate my motivation for telling you. I hope this doesn't discount anything I have said or will say, but most importantly, I hope you will stick around as I try to vindicate myself for myself. This pregnancy weight will come off, and it will come off the right way because just like you, I deserve a pure victory.
What I think you need to know is this:
In the end, I was addicted to diet pills and laxatives.
I was so close. No matter what I did, I just couldn't get those last few pounds to come off. I suppose you could say I was addicted to working out too because I worked out multiple times a day. The laxatives started as a necessity. The diet pills were desperation. I have since learned that the pills I was taking are no longer available because of their connection with multiple heart related deaths.
Here is what I believe with everything in me: My baby saved my life.
I don't want your pity, or attention. I don't need sympathy or understanding. I have dealt with my mistake and will not return there. I am PROUD of the 100 plus pounds that I lost all by myself, and I am thankful I am around to have a do-over on the pounds I cheated on. I am telling you this to prevent you from making the same mistake I did. It's an easy mistake. The decision seemed innocent. Like I said, the laxatives were a necessity at first, the diet pills were just a kick start for the final stretch of my mission.
Losing weight is a battle. It is a physical battle, which I believe is the easy part. More importantly, it is an emotional battle that can kick your a** even on the good days. Stay focused on your goal and keep your victory pure. I want that so bad for you.
So there you go. I am sorry if I have disappointed anyone. I hope you can appreciate my motivation for telling you. I hope this doesn't discount anything I have said or will say, but most importantly, I hope you will stick around as I try to vindicate myself for myself. This pregnancy weight will come off, and it will come off the right way because just like you, I deserve a pure victory.
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Story of Gabriel (part 3 - the part that was fast and furious)
It had been years since I had given birth. Isaac's birth was amazing to me. I was 37 weeks. He was born at Cascade Birth Center in Everett by an amazing midwife named Charlotte Geddis. I labored for 5 hours and 47 minutes (pushed for 17 minutes.) I had no drugs, and even though most will think I am strange, I loved every moment of it.
The women in my family have a history of delivering early and delivering fast. That being said, 9 years later - we really didn't know what to expect.
By popular demand (and I kind of love telling it...) here is the story of the day Gabriel was born.
At 35 weeks I went off the medication I was taking to prevent the contractions. Not much changed. Maybe a few more contractions, but nothing major. This was the week that I also had my first vaginal exam. I was hoping for some progress, but didn't want to be disappointed either. Boy was I surprised to find out I was 3 cm and 100% effaced! Holy Cow.
Now any woman who has been pregnant knows - once you make information like that public, the onslaught of phone calls and ridiculous questions from anxious grandmas-to-be, begin. We all spent that entire week on edge. Poor Chad didn't sleep well, he checked on me every hour or so. "Are you in labor?" Seriously Chad? If I was in labor - don't you think I would mention it? Wow. As the week continued, I got increasingly frustrated with everyones anxiousness and finally had to point out that in reality - my due date was still a whole month away. Women can hang out at 3cm and 100% for WEEKS. We all just needed to calm down and wait. That seemed to help. A little.
As the weekend approached, Chad and I were excited to have one final date night. My parents had the kids overnight and we went and hung out with my BFF and her new boyfriend. It was such a great night! We had finally kind of let go of the idea of me going into labor anytime soon, and we really just enjoyed ourselves. The guys had a cigar and a couple of drinks and my BFF and I got some much needed time together. Chad and I had a great chat on the drive home and we got home and crawled into bed around 12:30am.
At 2:25am I woke up and needed to go potty. When I was going potty, I had this burning sensation across the bottom of my belly. My first thought was "oh great! I have food poisoning. Dang fajitas!" I crawled back in bed and tried to go back to sleep. 3 minutes later, more burning. Dang fajitas! Then 3 minutes later...wait a minute!!!! Food poisoning doesn't usually happen in 3 minute intervals...OMG!!! I tried to wake Chad. He was dead to the world. I finally just had to full on hit him. "We need to time these." You would think I was speaking German. Poor guy was so out of it. He couldn't figure out how to use his contraction app that he had been so excited to use. I got frustrated, and told him to just call my sister and my BFF. He couldn't figure out how to use his phone. Seriously?? I called Deana - but by then I was having another contraction and could barely speak. At some point, I told Chad we just needed to leave. These contractions were too close together. We had planned to head to the hospital when they were 4 minutes apart; these were closer than that. So, we got in the car and started the 40 minute drive to the hospital.
I remember pretty random things about that morning - but the stuff I think you want to know is: we arrived in triage at 3:17am. Chad had finally been able to use the contraction app on his phone and was able to show the nurses that my contractions were about 1 minute apart. They got me to a room pretty quickly after that. Once in my room, I spent the majority of time standing, leaning on my bed. I had horrific back labor, which really surprised me, and made it so I was very limited in the positions I was willing to try. At some point, my team convinced me to get into the tub. That was short lived though because two contractions later, my water broke at 5:15 am. Deana,who had been at Isaac's birth had told the nurse that once my water broke she thought Gabriel would come pretty fast. Fortunately, the nurse believed her and they quickly got me out of the tub. As soon as I stood up, I had to push. As they were escorting me back to my bed, I pushed once as I was walking across the room. I got on the bed as fast I could. I remember Dr. Burdick saying "let me just make sure you are really ready to push..." it was obvious, so she turned to prep, and as she turned back, I pushed a second time and Gabriel was born at 5:17am!
I was so startled at how quickly everything happened, and my first words were "what just happened?" Someone said "you had a baby" and they handed me my sweet baby boy. He was gorgeous and tiny (6lbs 12oz) and was covered in vernix. He nursed right away and I just stared at him in disbelief.
Years of heartache (infertility) coupled with months of fear, had all been resolved in that moment. Any doubt I had about God, about Gabriel, about myself, dissolved when that little boy looked at me and stuck his lower lip out in a pout that would change my life. 2 hours and 52 minutes of incredibly hard work - to heal over a decade of devastation. Gabe's labor was a million times harder than Isaac's - but it was a victory in the most profound sense.
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